Happy tenth birthday to my annual Bad Costumes Round Up post! A time to mock the lamentable choices made by the people who work for Halloween costume companies. Since this is our 10th time doing this I’m going to make this years extra large!!!!
*Cussing, penis jokes, and other things your job might not want to see you looking at warning.
If you need even more Bad Costume snark here are the previous years’ posts below:
Here we go!
BONE. This was in the Halloween section of one of those really gross “we copy artists work” type fast fashion sites. Some real Dadaist magic here. BONE. Is it a minimalist skeleton costume? Is it a one word poem? Some kind of meditation on Memento Mori? Is it really fuckin bad? (yes). Bonus points for the floppy choker attached to the neckline.
Dead Technology. Like a zombie rising from the grave you will have to explain this costume to everyone currently under 25. Maybe you’re one of those people shaking your cane going on about how great the “old days” were! I loved having my file ruined if I shook the floppy disk too much, it was a delight….
Buzzkill. This is for every person who shows up to a Halloween party without wearing a costume of any kind. You’re lame and a buzzkill. Try having some fun and put a costume on! Even if it’s this deeply lazy card themed t-shirt and crappy headdress.
Sexy Cactus. If it was not titled “Sexy Cactus” on the website I found it on I’d never know what this is meant to be. This is your opportunity to let your leg hair grow out to the prickly stage as an “accessory” (if shaving is your thing).
Terrifying Llama. The severed head of a beloved farm animal propped atop this dumpster fire of a costume. Is it supposed to be a zomie-llama? Is it wearing tattered pants for a reason?
Surprisingly Not a Penis. What is happening to it’s skin!?!!! *Shudder*! Halloween is supposed to be scary but this is too much! (Apparently this is a jellyfish costume).
Unfortunate Frog. Did a monster frog eat this bikini lady? This is what you get when an eight year old girl with a bag of rhinestones and a length of neon faux-fur designs your costume. Also is this implying you are the frog to kiss? Huh….
Deeply Lame. This is not a costume, this is a stupid cotton nightie with a vague gesture towards the holiday printed on it and a headband. There were a whole run of these for “plus sizes” only (the smaller sized versions were all bodysuits) which makes me think this company couldn’t figure out how to grade larger sizes so the XL+ just get these paltry things. Gross. Plus size bodies deserve clingy terrible costumes too!
Dead Fish. But sexy!
Tentacle Fetish Soup. It took me ages to realize this costume is meant to be a cauldron with tentacles coming out of it. This is what you wear when you hate Halloween but your office forces you to dress up so you can take a half day on the 31st.
Not Another Skeleton. Is this a cubist skeleton? I truly don’t understand this one.
Haha Boner. Why are so many mens’ costumes just Dick As A Punchline? The costume companies are really minimizing your options here lads. Or maybe the market has spoken? 😛
Awoooo. If there is a shewolf in your closet maybe buy her a comb and a flea collar? This is a RUFF werewolf costume. 😛
Racist. I will give a slow clap to the big costume websites, ya’ll had FAR fewer racist costumes this year. Still a lot of really embarrassing “geisha” ones but it was difficult to find ones mocking other people of color. Still lots of fat suits though, which is pretty pathetic. Maybe next year you can see people who’s bodies you aren’t attracted to as actual people!
Happy Almost Halloween!