For FOURTEEN YEARS we’ve been rounding up the worst costumes we see on mass market sites and mocking them here in the blog! From offensive racial caricatures to unidentifiable things to everything in between.
Halloween is a sacred holiday around here. In the 90s you could only really buy black lipstick and nail-polish this time of year so once the Halloween makeup was out goths would rejoice!
So without further pause here’s this year’s round up! And if you’d like to see the previous 13 years here they are:
“It’s not a tumor”. It looks like something you need to bring to your dermatologist and have it biopsied. Blobby red glorp and leggings! Apparently this is a red rose costume….. maybe they don’t have flowers or google where this was designed.
Skeleton Boner. Dear Shein (fuck ya’ll for ripping me off repeatedly) what even IS this garment? Weirdly cropped tiny too-high ribcage and bone dicks (raccoons have a penis bone but I assume this garment isn’t for racoons). Ghost erection? Haunted hard-on? Someone’s REAL excited about Halloween.
Just A Really Excellent Witch. This just made me snort laugh so you have to look at it also.
Unsexy Furry Stripper. Mrrrrooow? The sneakers really make this extra thirsty somehow. Poor guy waxed his entire chest just to be stuck in a faux fur harness. This costume ought to come with a tube of hydrocortisone for the inevitable rash the fur causes.
Bees. What are those weird leg tubes? Neither socks nor thigh highs nor leg warmers. Just a few bees kind of splattered onto a polyester body sock. Okay.
How Nun-Fortunate. If you don’t want a “sexy” costume you could show up in this floppy poorly sewn sack with a white collar. It’s probably made of the same fabric as those 1970s “sauna suits” for weight loss, cue the rustling polyester as you kneel to pray you don’t pass out. Even actual nun habits fit better than this mess. At least she can go right to bed after the party without changing.
THE FACE!!!! This costume is the prime evidence that dinosaurs went extinct due to inbreeding lol. Maybe this is the Loch Ness monster, I’m honestly not sure what’s going on here but it’s so goofy.
Medical Malpractice. Holy fuck this costume is honestly kind of scary. Maybe it’s the misshapen head with soulless eyes or the various things you can saw out of the body, either way genuinely creepy.
Shithead Dog. We all know one.
London and France in Full View. This was clearly designed by the 12 year old boys who went around trying to snap the strap of all the girls’ bras in school.
Even the Men Can’t Escape the “Sexy” Harley Quinn Thing. I always wonder if I am perhaps queerer than I assume when I see this kind of thing, cuz it just makes me uncomfortable to look at. Straight girls, does this do anything for you?
Worst Trip. This is something you see after getting high on nutmeg or datura or something else horrible/dangerous. Is it an owl? Is it a punishment for your every bad thought? Is the floor melting?! (the site I found it on labeled it as “crazy cat” costume so I truly do not know).
Flared Base (Flared Bae?). I’ve been online too long…..
Bootleg Unbranded Cat Onesie. I love that this knock-off Garfield has no eyes, it’s very “I have no mouth but I must scream” feeling. There’s something so satisfying about character copyCATS. Haha. I’ll see myself out.
THAT’S IT FOLKS! As always this was just in jest hopefully none of the companies who make these atrocities send me cease and desists. Have a wonderful Halloween season and don’t dress as a mockery of a marginalized group! xo
-Tae
Gloomth & the Cult of Melancholy 