I haven’t modeled for photos for Gloomth in five years! I’m far more comfortable behind the camera than in front of it. I tend to be hyper critical of photos others take of me and it’s an arduous slow process to shoot photos of yourself with a timer/remote.
The pandemic has severely limited the number of shoots I can do. Last year I accomplished at least one per week and this year cases in my city have peaked repeatedly so it hasn’t been worth risking my community’s or my own health (I have super at risk parents so I am doubly careful). I’m limited to occasional shoots at best with a couple models who are also being extremely cautious.
So when our new Bubblegum dress arrived and I wasn’t able to shoot with a model I decided it was time to set aside my fears and get back in front of the camera.
I would say my relationship to my appearance is either a calm indifference or results in googling local clocktowers of need of a hunchback (thankfully those moments are extremely rare). I’m thankful for what my body can do and it’s general health, I exercise etc (not that that’s anyone’s business and I don’t require a clean bill of health in order to exist and live my life visibly), but I am not the age or shape people see most often online and I am familiar with how the internet treats women who don’t fit their narrow parameters. I wasn’t sure I felt like navigating that sort of attention while in lockdown (or the patronizing “bravery” comments that make it sound like you’re a deformed monster daring to be seen).
But I did it anyway, albeit a little shakily at first (and on a very cold day). Thank goodness for my excellent and patient partner who used my beastly camera to take these. Maybe they’ll inspire you to do something that makes you super nervous, maybe they’ll encourage someone else who doesn’t fit the mainstream “beauty standard” to dress up, maybe they’re just fun pictures where I have a carousel on my head.
And I think I might do more of it this year! 🙂